A Place to Belong

 12 Giving thanks unto the Father...

13 Who hath delivered us from the power of darkness, and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear Son: Cossians 1:12-13

In early March, 2026, I was visiting with family out of state. The church I attended that weekend was beginning a series on Daniel. The pastor introduced the sermon this way: "Every place/society you enter (e.g. job, school, city, friend group) is trying to "train you." Nobody hands you a speech and says,  'Here are the *official* rules, and here are the *real* rules.' You just have to learn them. You learn by observation what gets rewarded; you learn what makes people uncomfortable; and you learn what kind of person you need to be in order to belong in this space."

That hit a little bit of a raw nerve with me because of its reality. My whole life, I have struggled to learn, or be aware of the nuances of prosocial standards. I NEED that "speech" about what the rules are. 

I am often not intuitively aware of a given standard. I am more likely to learn of it by "transgressing" it. Enter friendly elbow nudges  or uncomfortable glances from family members, and later a private "master class" on the nuances that I missed in the moment. This often leaves me feeling frustrated at myself for not knowing intuitively how to conduct myself. But I also am grateful that my loved ones take the time to explain "what went wrong" so I can improve upon future similar situations.

This constant struggle to know and do like those around me definitely makes it difficult to "belong," because often society associates a sense of belonging with commonality and similarity. I don't have the natural ability to "read the room," so I feel uncomfortable in a setting where everyone else seems to know exactly what to do. I'm not anti-social, but I am intimidated. 

I finally began to make sense of a lifetime of feeling like an outsider when I was diagnosed with moderate-functioning autism as an adult in September 2023. At least I could give myself more grace for not knowing, and more bandwidth to accept admonition, insight, and advice from others. This was a turning point for me.

I have since begun to realize God designed me to be a pitcher in a metaphoric world of vases. Yes a pitcher CAN hold flowers, but it seems out of place. Yes, a vase can be set on the table with drinking water to fill the glasses, but that, too can seem out of place. There are similarities in design, but there are distinct differences, too. I need to know what my distinctions, functions and purposes are so I can benefit others. That is the essence of belonging - being able to interact with and contribute to life around me.

As the inner mechanisms and processes of the brain are more fully understood, and as research in the field of autism advances, there is hope that I, and others with autism can be increasingly successful and experience belonging in a world that is engineered more for neurotypical people. But more importantly, I belong to Christ and to the community of His body. I have been taken out of the kingdom of darkness and planted into His Kingdom. My contributions are not secondary.  They are essential, just as much as everyone else. As 1 Corinthians 12 tells us, in part "... God hath tempered the body together...That there should be no schism (division) in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another... Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular."

I should not be preoccupied with trying to be like others. Rather I should know that my differences are what EMPOWER me to contribute.